“Welcome to Rocksford Prison, the highest security prison in Australia. I am James Johnson. You will call me Warden. Nothing more. Nothing less. You may thick you tough but you will quickly find out that I can be tougher. We can get along but it’s up to you how agreeable you want to be. Now follow the guards to collect you clothes.”
“Steve Hammett you’re in cell 3696, now move it”
Steve takes one step into the cell and looks around and notices the concrete toilet in one corner and along the opposite wall, a steel double bunk, one bed already having clothes on it.
“Hurry it, don’t want to miss dinner, there won’t be any midnight snacks,” says the guard, laughing at his own joke.
Hammett nods once to say I’m ready.
Hammett in awe of all the people in this prison and after looking closer he realised all the little groups the inmates are in; the Asians, Islanders, Skinheads.
After Hammett received what he thought looked like slop that he would feed a pig he picked a random table to sit down at.
He noticed a younger guy over in the far corner cracking bad jokes and acting like a complete fool talking like every word could be his last.
Hammett shook his head; hate to be stuck with that guy, he thought to himself.
Hammett left early after picking at his food; the constant babbling had annoyed him so his made his way back to the cell block for some peace and quiet. He lay down on his bunk and tried to get some sleep.
His sleep all of a sudden was shattered.
“Hey man, didn’t think I was getting a roommate just yet. The name’s Jimmy J. What about you?”
Sticking his hand out to shake Hammett’s.
Hammett stares at his hand without interest.
Jimmy J pulls his hand back.
“You don’t want to shake my hand, that cool a lot of people don’t want to shake a guy’s hand that they don’t know.”
“Shut up,“ said Hammett.
“Ok, what are you in here for anyway? All the guys talk about what they’re in here for, but we’re all innocent remember ha-ha?” he laughed sarcastically.
“Shut Up”
“What are you gay or something? Like to keep your personal life personal huh?”
“Shut the hell up before I make you” Hammett supposed that no one had talked to Jimmy J like that before because of the look on his face.
“You really want to know why I’m in here? Well, I’ll make you a deal with you. I’ll tell you if you tell me.”
“I sold some drugs, that I disguised as Panadol, to some little kid at some school, now you tell me man.”
“Murder”
“Who was it? The wife? The boss?”
“Some kid who sold my daughter drugs which she thought was Panadol and it killed her. I swore I would kill the bastard that supplied him the drugs”
A sweat broke out on Jimmy J’s forehead.
“Lights Out,” was the last thing Jimmy J heard.
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Nice job Jesse! Just change the words "thick you" to "think you're" in "You may thick you tough" Otherwise, nice flow and a good story!
ReplyDeleteJesse,
ReplyDeleteCongrats on your story! It feels good to call one ok to show and hit Send, doesn't it? You have real tension here, a classic setting, and a good ending. I liked it as a revenge tale. Keep writing, oh, and if you read it over slowly, I think you'll spot a few typos and missing words.
Good work!
mike
This is great Jesse! I think you could really turn this into something longer. I too noticed a few typos, but overall not bad at all! Infact, Excellent is more of what I would say.
ReplyDeleteOH WOW!! I didn't see that coming, Jesse. Excellent job!!
ReplyDeleteNice twist, good tale telling here. A few typos in ppg 1 stick out and spacing issues with the dialogue. Though very creative.
ReplyDeleteLoved the ending. Agree what others have said so no point rehashing it. Well written, definitely following in your father's footsteps.
ReplyDeleteI noticed you mentioned the Islanders, is Jonah there from Summer Heights High beating up Rangas?
Everything about this piece flowed well Jesse. You have a very good feel for pacing your story well, my attention remained focused right to the well-conceived end Jesse. Your dialogue was well-crafted by you and I would like to see you write more of your stories that occupies your thoughts and your head space...
ReplyDeleteJesse, I guess you're a chip off the old block! I can clearly see you one day a great writer like your dad.
ReplyDeleteYour story is wonderful. If the stories I wrote when I was your age was this good, I'd have already won the Nobel Prize in Literature!
You start your story with a very strong hook that draws the reader in and keeps in there as you develop your story and in the end conclude your story with an equally powerful and short closing. The only suggestion I can find to give you is to keep the verbs in the present tense since you started out that way. Don't switch from present to past tense verbs. Stick to the way you started. Of course, this does not apply to dialogue.
And my final piece of advice: don't be like many young people who also write well but give up writing as they get older because they no longer have time for it. Remember that good writers are not born that way. They have to work hard at it by learning all they can about grammar and composition and they have to practice the art of writing as often as they can. If you are this good now, imagine where you will be, what books you'll be writing, only a few short years from now?
Keep up the very good work!
Salvatore Buttaci
Jesse: Typos aside, I'd say that I wish I was able to craft a little yarn like this when I was your age. I feel there's more great stuff to come!! Keep up the great work and keep reading and writing!
ReplyDeleteHi Jesse, nice to read your work. You have received some good advice here. Your father is a good writer and loves it. I'm glad you have the same likes. You'll be able to bounce ideas off each other. This is a very good story, it's hard to believe you are a thirteen year old, when I read this. I would suggest you print this out and read it aloud, carefully, we all make typos.
ReplyDeleteI'm known for those. I type too fast and don't stop and check like I should, before I send my work/comments out. I would try not to repeat words too often and some words can be cut to make this piece tougher/crisper. To make it more cellmate/jailor savy. Remember . . . it is your story and you want your own voice, but there are some things that just work better for everyone. Good Luck, and I am proud of you to be able to write like this at thirteen.
Sal said it right, a natural storyteller. Jesse, your voice is so commanding. You grab the reader by the shoulders and say Listen up! This is how it's going to be and off you go. The beginning is strong.
ReplyDeleteThere is a space between his sleep was shattered (by the way, I don't feel shattered is a good verb, I can't envision shattered sleep, also the use of All Of Sudden is cliche) and the time he talks to the new guy "Hey man, I didn't think I was getting a new..." where I think you need to put more in. Perhaps the rattle of the cell door awoke him. Perhaps his intution told him that something or someone was watching him. If you went with that, its a smooth easy glide from sleep, heard something/felt somebody, opens his eyes and boom someone is standing right there. Diaologue is good.
I enjoyed your twisted ending. I found this story commanding, fun and engaging. Good luck and feel proud when that A rolls in.
WOW! What a story! You had me riveted until the end! Your pacing was excellent, your characterization was developed enough for a short story. And the twist at the end, and the very ending, just punctuated it beautifully. You have a real talent. Keep it up. I'd love to read more of your work.
ReplyDeleteWow! This moved along like the scene of a good movie, probably due to the dialog. I enjoyed it beginning to end. Your characters were well defined, your ending "promising" well there was the promise of fulfillment. I believe that some writers shy away from writing because they don't always have the editing part all worked out. You can always hire an editor - write on, young man, write on!
ReplyDeleteA great piece you should be proud of. Grammar can always be fixed after letting a piece cool for a day or two, but what cannot be is usually plot and style - fortunately, you have both.
ReplyDelete